Love is...

Love is so irresponsible.

It comes without a warn,
that all you could do is to surrender.

Then it blinds your mind, your sense, your heart,
makes you seem like a fool for doing unnecessary things...

And you'll keep dong those kind of things voluntarily.


Someday,
on the day I am not sure of what to call it with,
it leaves.

It just disappears like nothing.
Even worse, it only takes the blindfold.

It doesn't take the bitter-sweet memories it has made,
nor does it take the weary of doing every stupid things in the name of it.
The worst part that it doesn't take its footprints which will never be gone from your heart.

And every time you remember it, it pains you, no matter how light the feeling is...


So don't trust it, for you can always fall for a wrong person...

Just a random thinking

Waktu sudah lamaaaa~ sekali, guw pernah iseng-iseng main kayak sejenis online personality type berdasarkan tanggal lahir dan jenis kelamin. Doubutsu uranai kalo ga salah namanya. Hehe... Ternyata pas guw baca-baca di creditsnya, isi deskripsi personality di situ sama kayak buku fengshui yang pernah dibacain temen nyokap. Ceritanya ada yang sama sih. Cuma mungkin beberapa ga disebutkan aja kali ya, karena menurut temen nyokap guw itu kurang penting.

Pertama kali guw denger, em, sebutlah "ramalan" (?) tentang diri guw itu dari doubutsu uranai, guw cuma buat lucu2an aja. Ada yang guw pikir bener, ya udah. Ada yang guw pikir ga tepat, ya udah juga sih. Cuma asal lewat karena memang niatnya buat lucu2an karena ditag doank haha.

Ada sih satu hal yang dulu guw deny, yaitu pernyataan ini : "You are extremely sensitive".

Well~~ I wouldn't have said that I was sensitive, especially when it added the "extremely" word before "sensitive". Yah, guw pikir guw orang yang sangat easy-going dan cuek lho. Dan pemikiran guw itu banyak dikuatkan oleh orang2 di sekitar guw. Jadi guw pikir, ramalan ini lebay aja kali ya, di bagian "extremely sensitive" ini. Hahaha~ but that WAS almost a year and a half ago!

Makin lama, guw jadi makin sadar lho. Ternyata benar yah, saya itu "sensitive enough". Sampai2 teman guw seriiinngg banget bilang ke guw, "Loe tuh kebanyakan mikir, tau ga!" hahaha... Oke, guw terima kenyataan bahwa guw "sensitive enough".

Tapi, belakangan ini, guw jadi makin sadar, bahwa sekarang "sensitive enough" udah ga bisa lagi mewakili keadaan guw. Dan akhirnya jadi benarlah ramalan itu, that is I am extremely sensitive.

... Kenapa yah?

Wah! Ga ngerti juga ya. Tapi guw bener2 merasa, belakangan ini, hal dikit aja nyentil guw, langsung guw pikirin. Langusng deh, guw tekankan ke diri guw sndiri, "Wah! Ternyata itu ga baik lho! Jangan pernah dilakukan lagi!", begitu. Sebenernya, guw sndiri sadar. Over self-conscious dan berusaha terlalu keras seperti itu jelek. Tapi gimana ya, I can't help but to feel bad for what I did :(

Mungkin saya adalah pemakai topeng yang baik ya. Ga banyak orang yang tau seperti apa saya sebenarnya, kalau saya ga cerita. Ketika saya cerita pun, tidak semuanya langsung percaya dan menganggap hal itu normal (untuk seorang "saya" haha).

Hmm... Sebenarnya, kalau ditanya kenapa, mungkin saya bisa sebutkan satu alasan yang membuat kata "enough" berubah jadi "extremely". Pengalaman baru memang membuat saya semakin mengenal diri sendiri. Apa iya ya, ini yang disebut dengan proses pembelajaran?


Jadi, saya yang tiba2 sadar kalau saya orang yang "extremely sensitive" itu hal baik apa buruk ya? Hahaha...


What a question...

Sampai penilaian baik dan buruk itu belum bisa saya (sendiri) berikan, mungkin saya belum bisa menentukan, apa yang akan saya lakukan selanjutnya. Tapi saya tidak berpikir untuk mengubah image saya di depan orang-orang banyak. Biarlah :)

for people around me whom I always depend on, thanks, and sorry too!

Susah cari orang yang bisa diandalkan. Kalaupun orang tersebut bisa diandalkan, kadang dia sudah menjadi andalan orang lain sehingga tidak memungkinkan untuk mengandalkannya lagi.

Kalau sekedar orang yang bisa bekerja asalkan diperintah sih, ada di mana-mana. Tidak perlu disebutkan lagi, orang2 yang bisanya hanya memerintah tapi tidak bisa diperintah. Tetapi, orang yang punya inisiatif dan bisa mencapai tujuan tanpa perlu deskripsi yang detail sangat jarang. Justru orang seperti inilah yang saya sebut dengan 'orang yang bisa diandalkan'. Menurut saya, orang yang bisa diandalkan adalah seseorang yang bisa memimpin dirinya sendiri. Setidaknya, itu hal pertama yang harus bisa ia lakukan. Bagaimana mungkin ia bisa memimpin orang lain dengan baik, jika bahkan dirinya sendiri pun gagal ia pimpin?

Kemudian, saya jadi ingin minta maaf.

Maaf ya teman2 yang selalu menjadi andalan saya... Saya benar2 tidak bermaksud membebani kalian dan 'bergantung' pada kalian terus menerus, tetapi saya butuh setidaknya satu-dua orang yang bisa diandalkan sepenuhnya untuk membantu saya. Saya butuh orang yang bisa dipercaya, orang yang bertanggung jawab, orang yang bisa bertukar pikiran dengan saya, dan orang yang bisa memimpin dirinya sendiri hingga akhirnya ia bisa 'memimpin' orang2 yang lainnya. Saya butuh orang2 yang bisa membuat saya tenang dan berpikir, "Ah, sudah ada dia yang mengurus hal tersebut. Setidaknya saya tidak perlu pusing memikirkan detail2 tentang hal tersebut dan memfokuskan diri saya untuk mengurus hal2 lainnya."

Saya ingin kalian tau, bahwa bantuan kalian sangat membantu saya, dan saya bersyukur ada orang2 yang bisa saya andalkan di saat saya benar2 membutuhkannya. Toh saya sendiri bukan tipe yang seenaknya melempar tanggung jawab yang seharusnya milik saya. Saya juga tidak akan minta tolong jika saya yakin sanggup melakukannya sendiri...

Akhir kata, saya tidak menulis ini untuk menyindir pihak mana pun, justru saya lebih menekankan ucapan terima kasih dan apresiasi kepada orang2 yang selama ini banyak saya repotkan dan saya andalkan dalam banyak hal. Terima kasih ya teman2, dan maaf juga sudah merepotkan... Jangan bosan2 membantu saya ya, hehehe!

A Thinking

A thought...

That was all I thought...

Why is it so hard to do what you think is right?

Then again, why is it, even though you had convinced yourself about what was right, someday, later on, there might be a chance you regret it, even just for a little?

A thinking...

If...

If what we think about may delude our mind, then why do people bother to think about everything...?


And then again, as for what's been on my mind lately, let's take it as a thought too. No one knows what is right... Neither do I... Since I think that, my decision is neither wrong nor right, all I can do now is to keep trying to convince myself, that it is right. Maybe I just haven't seen the end of my decision... :)

Hardest Possible-Things to Do

Hmm... Well, somehow this midnight (again... :p) I come to think about things I cannot do and things I'm not able to do..."Things you cannot do" and "Things you are not able to do" are two different matters for me. Let me go further with my description about it.

Let's just say, when I cannot do something, it means no matter how hard I try, I'll never succeed. Maybe it's because of my lack, of maybe it's because that thing is against my principal. It means that thing is impossible to do. But when it comes to "the thing I am not able to do", it means it is still possible, but somehow I just can't manage myself to achieve it...

*sigh*

I don't know whether "not to do something you are not able to do" is a good thing or a bad thing... I mean, when something is in fact possible to do, then in my mind I know I can or should do it, but my feeling won't let me.

The simplest example is being tidy and diligent. Oh my, that's such a pain, really... Well sorry to say this, but I can't help it! Well for now, I gave up to be, but I know I can't be like this forever. There'll be time when I HAVE to change, and I'm kinda grateful it's not now...

The same thing goes with thing thing: being honest about my own feelings...

Gaahhh~ I don't know why, but my own feelings often deny to do so! Well of course in some case, I'm just playing "save", means I don't want things to get complicated with my honesty. But mostly, it's because when it comes to the time when I'm expected to be honest, I always think about "what if it ends? Wouldn't it be better off without saying the truth so that nobody knows about my sorrows?"

Such a coward thinking... I know it, but I just can't being myself to say them honestly... And then again, once I come to the state where I don't care about the ending anymore, I sometimes don't want then to get their heads so big, or just don't want them to think that I'm the way I trully am... Nah, such a complicated thinking... That's maybe why a friend of mine always reminds me how I tend to think too much about the things I shouldn't think...

Well, lastly, all I can say that, you don't have to try to understand me, since I'm the jerk to let you wonder... It's my own fault if people come to misunderstood me... Well I don't really care anyway, but still there are people whom I don't want to be misunderstood, despite the fact that being honest is the hardest possible-thing to do... Hopefully you have enough patience to wait for me to try more *grin*

Okay , Whatsoever .

Why do I have to struggle something I don't own?

Why do I have to do something when all I get is uncertainty?

Why do I have to fix something I don't even know whether or not it's worth to be?


I'm so damn tired... Come on, everything is fuzzy! Some says I should not pull out, but how could I when I don't even get a single word?

Home, Pillow, and Love

Guw pernah nemenin kakak guw nyari kado Taon Baru untuk gebetan dya. Trus pas lagi muter-muter, menimbang-nimbang, bla bla bla, tiba-tiba dya ngomong kayak gini, "Wah, cowok loe nanti minimal harus kayak guw nih"

Woooo, really... That may sound like he's so full of himself, but I dare say he's not bragging! I've known him for years, and I can guarantee he's really a good man... He might be unromantic guy (honestly), but he always tries to give his care to his dearest in his own way, though I have to admit it's kinda clumsy. Well but still, I think his way may not be working to make someone to be "attracted" to him...

Anyway, the point is in my opinion, there are 3 different feelings toward people we cherish. People we cherish don't have to always be the opposite sex, it's just that we need to feel that those people are around us.

HOME
The 'home' here is not the literary house or building, but it's somewhere you'll always come back for. Well I have to admit, I feel comfortable the most when I'm inside my house, but I think if my family weren't there then I wouldn't call it home. So to me, 'home' means somewhere or someone who is able to make you feel save and comfortable the most and you can be yourself all the way you want. And until now, no one has ever been able to make me feel this way beside my own family...

PILLOW
Overall, 'home' may be the one I need the most for now. But still there are things I cannot tell them about. Well sometimes I can't even tell why I'm in a bad mood, or why I feel like upset, or whatsoever. And when that time comes, the first person I'll search is not my 'home', but my 'pillow'. Just like how it literary means, 'pillow' comforts you, and you can do anything in front of it: dreaming on, telling stuffs you can't tell other people about, being honest, laughing, and even crying...

LOVE
Okay, now love! I guess it's not hard to describe, but let me try my description. Love is insane! The more you love, the more it drives you crazy. At first you'll be satisfied only by looking him/her, and a little talk will make you feel like exploding. But once you talk, you'll over-enjoy it and crave for more so that little talk won't satisfy you anymore. Then maybe you'll want to share stories of life with him/her. And later, without realizing you'll be waiting for him/her to contact you, your eyes will always be searching for him/her, your mind will be full of him/her, and you'll be needing his/her presence around you. And that's it, you've just fallen in love and backing off won't be easy. I guess this is the lowest level of loving. To love someone is not that simple and easy, really... And love is blind, it is so true!


You need no reason to fall in love, but there are so many reasons to be in a relationship. I think love is not enough to be in a relationship with someone else. But still it doesn't mean we can have a relationship with someone we don't love... So love is one of a requirement to be in a relationship, I think... But to rethink about it, can we really be in a relationship with someone who can't make you feel comfortable and save? So it means, that person must be not only your 'love' but also your 'pillow'. The question is, are you able to 'love' your 'pillow'?

As for 'home', I think it's not necessary yet. It'll be when you're marrying that person. :p


Finally, what I wanna say is, can we choose whom we'll fall in love with while it's one of the crucial requirement of being in a relationship...? So when my brother said that thing to me, I come to think, wow it's gonna be a difficult requirement *lol*


But then, there's one question acrossing my mind.

What if, when you think you love someone, the person you're searching in the first place when you're in trouble is your 'pillow'?
Does it mean you don't really love your 'love'?
Or does it mean you love your 'pillow'...?

Ask, and you'll be given

Somehow, even though now is 2:36 AM, I feel like writing something.

Waw. Come on you should be amazed! *lol* It's ME you're talking about, and to mention it's not the time to stay awake for a good kid. ... Well forget it, I know I'm not that damn good kid.

Okay! So what should I write? *lol*

Ehem, oke, serius. Udah taon 2010 cuy, masih maen-maen aja, ckck guw... Yak jadi ceritanya sih tiba-tiba guw pengen nulis-nulis sesuatu di blog guw yang ga terurus banget ini, lebih parah dari kamar guw, hahaha~ Mungkin untuk pemanasan, hal-hal yang ga terlalu penting dulu kali ya. I'll give you a lil report about my grade (lah ga penting apanya itu wakakak~)

Yak jadi! Pas guw nulis post ini, guw di penghujung akhir semester 3. Abis belom semua nilai keluar sih, padahal hari hari (yang notabene tanggalnya udah berganti) adalah batas pengumpulan nilai. Dasar Fasil*om, deadliners gile, hahaha! *curcol :p*

Ya jadi, terus terang guw sangat amazed sama nilai guw. Kok bisa keluarnya segini?? Hwahahah~ really it's all thanks to GOD! He's really really wonderful, thanks God! Mungkin awalnya guw kebanyakan maen-maen kali ya, akhirnya sampe belakang ga ngejer deh. Akhirnya walopun pas UAS kayaknya sih nilai guw ga jelek-jelek amat, ga bisa terlalu mendongkrak nilai secara maksimal. Jadi sedikit menyesal. Kenapa ya guw malesnya ampun-ampunan, yaampun...

Untuk dapet nilai perfect itu susah banget ya. You really have to understand every details that it's not that you only acknowledge the lessons but you also have to master the whole lessons. And really, it's such a difficult thing to do...

Sirik guw sama orang-orang yang main-main tapi nilainya bagus. Ampun deh, dunia tidak adil! *mulai lebay hahaha!* Mungkin itulah deritanya orang bebal macam guw kali ya. Untuk meraih a perfection guw harus kerja keras dobel, itu pun masih bisa meleset. Tapi bener deh, kalo udah kerja keras, dan tercapai tujuannya, rasa puasnya juga dobel dibanding kalo tujuan itu guw dapat dengan mudah, ahahah~ belagu banget yak guw ;p

Masih ada 3 nilai lagi yang belum keluar nih. Moga-moga semuanya mendekati bahkan perfect deh! hahaha~ Well as "Ask, and you'll be given," I will say now, God please give me another miracle...?