The thing that is not meant to last

And this time round, it's all thanks to you, baby!

Nothing, is strong enough to lead us astray
And it's always a mystery to me
I know you are the one for me

You see, my world's turning around you
And i'm definitely in love with you
It's hard to be far

Anywhere in the world, i'm with you my girl,
And i'm proud oh yeah so fucking proud you know
And i want to scream it out loud you know

It's cool, you know that it's so cool
And no, you've got nothing to prove, i know, i know that i feel good

A cup of coffee, by your side in the morning
A sip of sweet love, from your lips in the evening
Every now and then, life makes me happy

The last time we kissed, honey, sure i miss it.
You said kind words, i never forget
You had this fucking look on your face

And this time round, it's all thanks to you, baby

Why teachers give homework: a training of systematic problem solving

I finally found a good use of this blog. I used to think that writing a diary was stupid. I mean, why would you risk someone reading your inner thought?
But now I realize, that someone is you alone.

So yeah. Reflecting back of what I wrote in the past, I noticed some things.
Like, how bad it had been for me back then, and while I was afraid that I currently was actually as bad, I am apparently not. Kinda glad in my own way, although I don't think it is such a happy event either.

Being an adult is scary, huh. I guess I understand now, why it is easier for young kids to deal with life. The irony is, the one making the adult life so hard is actually oneself!

Ha!

But anyway. I just need to sort my mind, so let me say shits here. It is not supposed to be structured in any way, it is just a rumble.

Okay, first thing first.
I am a bit glad to read what I wrote almost a year ago, about the things I was not happy about. We've come so far, huh!
And yeah, you did a good job on your homework back then. Good job, you! Good job, me!

So, what is it this time?
LoL

Perhaps we just focus on different things? Like different things? Believe in different things? Have different approaches to things?

You are a focus person. You know what you want in your circle, and you keep your circle small, because you know it is enough for you.
And I, I kinda like a bigger circle. I'm a curious person after all, and definitely more adventurous than you.

So, I can see that a big part of your circle intersects with mine, and fortunately or unfortunately that part is also an important part for me, that's why it works out, that's why there is hope after all.

How about the other big parts of my circle that are not intersecting with yours?

Now. I think, it is not really because you have a clear black-and-white approach, although it is true to some degree, but more because on some parts you are at the opposing party. And also, you tend to have a strong feeling on things. Hence, it is tiring for you to deal with it everytime I mention them, and it is frustrating for me everytime you trash it, because, you think they are trash.

That's one thing, I guess, difference in interest.

Now, the second part, I think it has something to do with my low communication skills, and our big heads. It is unjust to discredit your communication skill when you are calm, but when you are stressed, you are a jerk. Basically. And thanks to your job, your mood is a bitch. There you go.

Isn't trying to understand that, considered as a form of support? I'm sure it is. The problem with me, is that I try to tolerate that without communicating that I am not happy about it. Here it comes when TED talk is actually useful: I compromise one-sidedly, and I expect something in return. Hence, you perhaps never realize that it is actually disturbing to me. And when I am in a bad mood, so are you, boom. And add our stubbornness and pride, double boom! Add my bad habit of over thinking, triple boom!!

So, there you go. But hey, didn't I promise I will try NOT to bottle up my feelings?

I should talk to you, I guess. And I should realize, we can't expect to get all of our emotional needs from one person, right? It is okay to do things I like but you don't with other people. That's why we have families and friends. Although it is a bit tricky because I like to do things I like with the person I like the most at that time.

You do try enough. I do too. I believe we are on the right track, because you try to understand me in your own way.

Another TED talk cheat sheet: sleep on it!
It's a good advice.
Well, I'll add that venting before it is a better practice.

That's it, for now, I guess.
I see now I have a homework.

Marathon

How should it feel like again?

People say it's like sailing on a boat.
People say it's like walking on a tightrope.

For me, it's simple.
It is like running on a marathon.

You move a baton from one person to another, from one stop to another.
It is a race, for sure, but not to prove who's the fastest.
Everyone has their own track and baton.
Everyone is fighting their own war.
Constantly.
Hence why, I think, it would be more fun if there is someone with whom you run side by side.

Because, although it is not a race against the world, the race against yourself can be tiring, you know.
You would have to stop from time to time.
Your beloveds will shout at you, looking back a little bit, 'come on, you can do it!', while keeping running their own race. Because they have to keep running, I understand.

What I want is something simple.
Someone who would catch me when I trip.
Someone who would actually stop and sit with me a little bit.
Just a little bit, until I can take a breath, until I can feel my legs again, until I can get back on my feet again.
While we sit, I hope that someone will ask me why I stop, if I need a helping hand or a mere shoulder to lean on, or simply if I just need to sit and enjoy the view. It will be nice too, if I am told that I shouldn't have sat down because actually I could just continue running.
And then, we both will run again, or walk again, as we see fit.

But with you, you never even look back.
Perhaps you don't care if I trip or stop or run.
You only see you.
From time to time when you need to stop, you will call out to me to see if I want to sit with you.
When you trip, you hide away, or hush my helping hand because you believe that this is your fight.
And you simply throw away the towel I carefully offer to make you feel better.
Even when I whimper as I fall, you just tell me to be brave and never stop running.

Perhaps you are right.
I should be brave.

I will be brave.

No, but, seriously though,
what the fuck do you actually want?

You are trapped in your own mind,
of your own disability to think.
You just feel, and although you have your reasons, you let your feelings win and dismiss your chance, and you let your pride to ruin what can be fixed and hurt necessarily.

So you said, this is not the first time it happened,
not the first time you talked about it.
You feel like you are not listened.

So?


What the fuck do you want?
You should do something about it.
Now.
Don't torture yourself more than this.
You're wasting your time.
Go and face your problems.

Tired.

I want to move to a place where I know nobody and nobody knows me,
where no one will ask me questions about how I feel without expecting me to give the cliché answer.

Meeting people is tiring.
Talking to people is tiring.
Their thoughts of me are tiring.

Please stop telling me to move.
Stop urging me to do.
I don't want to fly nor stay.

I want time to freeze.