Hi.
Now is Saturday, 19 December 2015 at 18 minutes past midnight.
I am currently in an airplane flying over, Russia, I guess, on its way to Seoul. It is the first connecting flight to Jakarta. I’m coming home after 14 months not too. And alas, still 8 more fucking hours to reach Seoul. Not to mention the other flight is 7-hours long.
I cannot sleep. Have watched two movies. One very beautiful, one rather common and drama. Then I feel like I should write something.
This year, I would say, is not a good year in general. I guess I have spent two years worth luck last year, so I just have to suck it up this year. Oh year, end fucking goddamn soon please.
I feel like it’s been awhile since I was able to have a good talk with anyone. Most of the time I was in a horrible mood, or had no time to actually find someone to talk to. I guess I have to say that I regret a lot of things I did this year.
I thought pushing to my best was worth it. Up ’til now that was how it worked. Twice. Jolly. The third didn’t go well. So, is it?
Two years ago, I met this someone who was very intimidating to talk to, yet made me extremely glad that I did. Years before that, I thought I knew who I was and what I wanted. But interacting with this person made me think, do I? I was at the point of my life where I didn’t know what to do.
Actually, after I passed that period, I built this new wall I was so proud of. I thought I was wiser, I thought I finally found the world. If I think about it now, those shades of life I discovered two years ago was probably only the bright side of the world. The pain which brings joy. Ha. Can you believe something like that exists?
However, what I’m facing now, is the pain which brings… pain. Just that. I don’t know how to escape this loop. I realised how easy it was for my heart to turn bleak. If it isn’t that easy to nullify love, then it is very easy to turn ‘nothing’ into hatred. Now I know why people say love is strong. Couldn’t be truer.
I wonder why it is so difficult to be honest. Not to myself, I am indeed very honest to myself. If I think about it, maybe it’s because I don’t like people’s reactions to my feelings. It is not how I expect it to be. But what do I expect? Maybe it’s just not about expectation, but I just wanted to see how I actually would react to such, and let it be mine alone, no matter how much it hurts.
So yeah, there is nothing I can do to fix it anyway. Don’t get me wrong, I am glad it’s broken. It’s good that it’s getting bigger. If it stayed small, people tended to ignore it anyway. So it’s good! And I absolutely don’t want to fix it!
What I need to deal is myself. How to fix ‘me’. I don’t know where to start. Should I try to make a peace with myself, just like last time? It didn’t end well anyway that time.
Ah. I think I know where to start. Maybe I should just reflect on the bright side first. I, again, found out how naive I was. That I have a very loving boyfriend, although he’s extremely awkward. That I should have considered what my parents said. Ah now I get it, maybe I am too focused on the hatred, and forget the love?
Love is kind, love is patient, love doesn’t bully, love sacrifices. And love heals.
So I guess, I just need to fill myself with a lot of love? :)
