The Same Feeling

Guw inget dengan persis sekali, kapan pertama kali guw nulis blog, dan kenapa. Mungkin bisa dibilang tepat di saat yang sama kayak sekarang, setaon yang lalu. Alasannya pun masih sangat guw ingat dengan jelas. Lalu entah kenapa, di saat yang sama, setahun kemudian, guw jadi pengen nulis blog lagi, dengan perasaan yang sama mirisnya, tapi jauh lebih dipengaruhi emosi kali ini...

*sigh!*

I really really hope a sigh, a medicine, or whatever can take away the ache in me... If only there were such a thing.....

Mungkin emang cuma keegoisan guw semata, mungkin cuma ketidakdewasaan guw, mungkin cuma kekeraskepalaan guw... Tapi susah banget rasanya terima kenyataan. Sama kayak taon lalu, pas guw denger keputusan itu, I kept repeating in my mind, "Udah? Selesai? Beneran kayak gitu?"

"Udah? Ga akan bisa diubah lagi?"

Oh how I wished I could turn back time! How I wished my hearing were flamming me! How I wished I were inside a dream! And so do I now...

Guw tau kok segimana tidak dewasanya guw dengan bertindak kayak gini. Tapi ga tau juga deh. Kecewa banget rasanya... Still I have to think about how people see me in their eyes. Sucked. Reality's really really sucked.

I wish I hadn't overdone it from the very start. BUT I DID. And I hate the way it's just 'POOF!' right in front of my eyes.

Oh God... I've always been saying, "Let God's way be my way", tapi kok jadi makin banyak ya hal-hal yang membuat guw semakin sulit untuk menepati kata-kata itu? Oh Gos please please please... Please keep me believe in Your plan!

This time is a WAY WORSE than last year. Taon lalu, guw mendengar keputusan itu tepat setelah ujian guw selesai, sedangkan taon ini guw mendengar keputusan itu tepat SEBELUM ujian guw mulai. Damn. Damn damn damn!

Maybe a week or two week ago, I just had this thinking in my mind: this Christmas would definitely a way better than last year! Tapi kok sekarang guw jadi ga yakin ya. Taon lalu guw ngejalanin Natal dengan perasaan yang agak miris. Entahlah taon ini. I really really hope for a miracle to take me away...

Rasanya pengen meledak kalo guw harus menahan ini sendirian. Tapi kalo guw cerita ke orang, cuma akan membuat mereka memandang rendah. Karena guw tau ini cuma emosi semata. Kekanak-kanakan dan ga dewasa. Maaf yah...

Maaf yah... I am THAT low... I want to share this with you, even though I know it may disappoint you to know the real me... I can only hope you'll understand, because your presence keeps me strong. So please stay with me for a while...?